There are two kinds of bored. The good kind, where you don’t have anything to do and you haven’t figured out what you are going to do next. And the bad kind, where you are doing something, but you wish you weren’t.
My boys tell me regularly that they are bored. They don’t realize it, but they are talking about the good kind. When I hear this, I think to myself, “I can’t remember the last time I was good bored.” The bad kind, on the other hand, is something I feel almost daily.
While I love my family deeply, I find being a stay-at-home mom to be mind-numbingly boring. There, I said it.
I’ve looked for a part-time flexible job, but the reality is that these jobs are very few and far between. And with three young children and a husband who travels regularly, I would probably not be the most reliable employee. In the last month alone I had two days with different kids home sick. Taking a job outside the home might allow me to use my brain more and socialize with adults, but it would create a lot of other stresses for me and the family in general. So for now, I feel like my job is to be on-call for the family. When someone needs picked up sick from school, needs to stay home sick, or needs to go to the doctor or dentist, I can take them — free from guilt about missing work. I’m okay with that. I like taking care of my family when they need to be cared for. I want to be able to take care of them free from any guilt. They are my priority. But what percentage of the time do they actually need to be cared for in this way? 5%? And the rest of the time I’m just on-call. Meal planning. Making grocery lists. Running errands. Looking at the dust accumulate because I just can’t manage to care enough to dust (unless company is coming). Filling my time with this and that until it’s time to meet the bus or make dinner. I almost fell asleep just writing about it.
My boys aren’t babies anymore so they aren’t literally attached to me the way they once were. They are starting to play at friends’ houses and run around the neighborhood for hours at a time. I am home for them, but not really with them.
Since I choose not to work outside the home, but am bored being home, without realizing it, I gave myself the unpaid job of researcher. I don’t remember when my research obsession began, but I’m guessing it started around the same time that I stopped working. Something would catch my attention and I’d starting putting books on hold on the library and surfing around trying to learn whatever I could. Some recent self-evaluation brought me to the conclusion that I might always be finding these new research projects in order to keep my brain stimulated. I overwhelm myself with a dozen or more books on a certain subject and once I’ve made my way through them, gotten my notes in order and my opinions formed, it doesn’t seem like much time passes before I find myself diving into another subject. And while I find great pleasure and satisfaction in acquiring this new knowledge and keeping my brain active, I wonder what would happen if I let myself get good bored. Would it be like an extended period of meditation where if I let my mind stay empty long enough some pretty profound stuff comes through? Would I use the time to exercise because I don’t have a pile of books as an excuse not to? Would I hear an inner voice whispering direction? Would I go crazy? Would I start liking housework because I have nothing better to do? (Maybe the crazy started with that last one. 
I’d like to find out what will happen so I’ve committed to not taking on any new research projects for a while. I’ve committed to not putting any more non-fiction books on hold at the library. I’ve committed to trying to let myself get good and bored. Getting quiet. Listening.
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Thanks so much for sharing. This really speaks to me. Love, Liz Campbell
Thanks for being such a faithful reader Liz! Glad you enjoyed the post.
Love reading your posts, and girl, we are rowing the same boat. Though with only 2 kids there’s a little more wiggle room on mine. I have found only one thing that helps quiet the gnawing, aggrivation of being on call (and otherwise occupied with nummingly rotine house chores): gratitude. For my health and that of my family. For my gainfully employed husband who loves his job. For the ability to be the one managing my family (instaed of totally juggling and/or pawning off on others). It sounds small but a conscious effort to insert it into my day has made all the difference. In no time they’ll fly the coop and I’ll have all the time in the world to do my own thing… and we’ll probably be blogging about what the heck that is
Hang in there momma! Our love to your family!
Thanks for the reminder Kris. I do have so much to be grateful for!
[...] Stillness By Anne, on September 14th, 2012 Share Last March I posted Getting Bored and made some commitments to try to let myself get “good and [...]